34 RECORDS FOUND
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking, ' but I don't have that much time."
"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."
"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."
"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'"
"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"
"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."
"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
"How young can you die of old age?"
