32 RECORDS FOUND
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early."
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
"I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book."
"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
